Monday, October 16, 2017

Why Harvey's Victims Didn't Talk - And, Why I Didn't

One reason that women hesitate to bring these sexual harassment incidents to public attention is that they know the world will judge THEM for it happening.

Like it's their fault, as Donna Karan said (and, later, semi-retracted):
Karan, who is also a friend of Weinstein’s, told the Daily Mail that he was “wonderful”.
Karan said women must consider if the way they dress suggests they are “asking for it”.
“I think we have to look at ourselves,” she said on the red carpet at the CinéFashion film awards in Los Angeles.
“Obviously, the treatment of women all over the world is something that has always had to be identified. Certainly in the country of Haiti where I work, in Africa, in the developing world, it’s been a hard time for women.
“I also think how do we display ourselves? How do we present ourselves as women? What are we asking? Are we asking for it by presenting all the sensuality and all the sexuality?”
Karan said women who dressed provocatively were asking for trouble.
“You look at everything all over the world today and how women are dressing and what they are asking by just presenting themselves the way they do. What are they asking for? Trouble.”
While her point about unnecessary body exposure has SOME merit (I do think that women in the workplace should display no more cleavage than the average man does in business settings), the fact is, women in the entertainment industry and many service jobs haven't the control over how much skin they want to show. Either they are required to wear uniforms, or they are given specific instructions or the actual clothing (as, in the case of Weinstein, whose wife dressed many of the women).

It's generally expected that they will display cleavage and legs, and wear their clothing fitted VERY tightly.

That is the standard. And, because it's the standard, it should occasion no more attention than the co-workers in a pool give to the sight of a person in a swimsuit. Unremarkable, and not to be used as an excuse to hit on a person.

So, why didn't they leave immediately, or - failing that - run right to someone in authority, either at the company or the cops, to report this abuse?

ONE answer is that a few of them, having seen the choices, cynically decided to, at least, get something for their willingness to go along with the abuse and shut up. That something may have been money - there are at least 8 known payouts. That may have been career advancement, by getting parts or promotion of their work.

This leaves out a more common reason - that the woman, having been disrespected by a predator, tends to blame herself.

It happened to me.

I was working as a bartender. I was about 26 or 27, with a kid at home. I tried to dress in nice clothes, but I've never been all that interested in revealing outfits, even to enhance my tips. I dressed in slacks and non-revealing tops.

I worked there about 3 months. The bar was owned by a husband and wife. I knew her, and liked her. My husband had gone to high school with him, and knew his wife, as well.

He was a problem, almost from the beginning. I came to dread the days he would arrive near the end of my shift, to cash out the till (he and his wife shared that task). While he was there, he was fond of getting behind the bar, and managing to brush against my body as he walked around. This was in full view of the customers.

At first, I thought I was imagining his intent. I couldn't think why a man married to a REALLY pretty girl - better looking than I - would care about trying to hit on other women. I tried to avoid him as much as I could.

After a while, he upped his harassment. I would be cleaning tables and serving drinks, and he would grab me, and try to pull me into his lap. He would run his hands up and down my legs, while I tried to get away. He'd grab my arm, his fingers brushing oh-so accidentally against my breast.

I really needed that job. I tried to keep out of his way.

The final straw was when he started to make excuses to get me into the kitchen, out of sight of customers. I'd be cleaning up, and he'd be tending bar, and he'd say, "Go into the kitchen and make us a pizza." When I did, he come in and try to fondle me. Out of sight. With the music on loud, so anything I did would not be likely to be heard.

After 3 months trying to keep working, I gave up the effort. I quit, and did not return.

It was months before I told my husband why (I just mentioned the handsiness - I didn't tell him how frightened I'd become). When I did, he asked why I waited.

My only answer was that, at first I thought I was misinterpreting his intent. Later, I was embarrassed about my failure to stop him - like anything I said or did would have changed things. I didn't want to interfere with my husband's friendship with that guy.

I know, I know - naive, right? Should have walked out right away.

It's taken me until now to acknowledge that it wasn't my fault. That, by not saying something, acting on my outrage, I wasn't complicit in allowing him to continue.

I'm sure this wasn't the first time he took advantage of his position as the boss. Nor the last. But, I didn't know that - then.

Why am I talking about this now?

Because I want people reading this to put the Weinstein abuse in context. Many women could have been his victims. Including me, or other women you know. Maybe your daughter or wife. Or mother.

Many of them might have reacted as I did - blaming themselves and failing to take further action. Don't believe me?

Why don't you have the women in your life read this, and ask them if they personally experienced similar harassment, or know someone else who did? I'll bet you'll be surprised at the responses.

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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

For some reason, my wife never had problems with this. Of course, she was not afraid to tell me, either - she knew that my attitude towards anyone messing with my family was modeled after Tamerlane.

Anonymous said...

Of course you were complicit. Part of being an adult is knowing the first person in line to defend you, is you. Instead you were submissive, as if some magic daddy parent figure would read your mind, and then rescue you. This is childish.

What else would you have done if someone else had insisted? Registered your guns? Turned in your guns? Resettled into ghettos? Given up your livelihood? Gotten on a boxcar?

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